Changing Seasons

P-TCM-2017-10-octoberToday marks the first of October.  I knew I wanted to write this story, part of my story for anyone who may need this encouragement.

October is my favorite month.  I love to see the leaves changing color.  There is something so magical to me about pumpkins, homemade hot apple cider, butternut squash, layers with jackets, boots, and everything related to autumn. Also, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because it is all about food…  I mean come on, what could be better? (Obviously I love autumn and food)

October became my favorite just over a decade ago.  Autumn took on an even more important meaning to me and October symbolized it the most.  You see, I was going through a really hard time as a senior in college.  I was not prepared for all that life would throw at me. (Who really is?)  I spent many a day in tears trying to reconcile this life I was living and the life I wanted after college.

3c53feaaa1d1c434ccbee64190cd7227I had expectations that were unrealistic and I had no idea of how to create the world that I wanted.  Let me explain, I had the expectation of “the one” in my life and had recently gone through a breakup that crushed me.  This means that I had found “the one” person I would be with forever but since it did not work out I was broken and would never be fixed.  I was destined to be horribly broken and alone because I was created for only one person and he said no.  To me this equated to I was not enough, never would be enough, was broken, would never be fixed, and would live a lonely life without companionship with anyone including my friends.  It was a place full of so much shame and pain.  I did not think I would recover and reasoned with myself that this meant forever I would be alone and that no one would understand.  It was a system that came from the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” world. (If you do not know this book be very thankful.  If you do I am sorry for any pain it may have caused you.  Know that the author has since apologized through twitter to some girls that tagged him in a tweet.)  It seemed like the world as I had thought it would be was crushed and I did not know what to do with that.  My 21 year old self was breaking in ways that I did not know were possible.  It was the beautifully painful stretching into the beginning of adulthood that I never fathomed would be so painful.  Instead of facing this shame and seeing it for what it was I hid.  I hid the pain so deep inside and created a silent space where I could bury all the emotions.  Instead of seeing how broken this system was I believed in, I continued to walk deeper into it, continuing to find myself broken because I was alone and felt this was forever to be the case.

7bfb17ff96dac22dbd60f5602c7a0353Luckily my coping was going on drives and crying while the leaves were magically changing colors.  For some reason I found comfort in the colors changing.  There was this one particular day that I was in a park sitting in my car crying.  It had been raining so the leaves were extra bright.   The rain started pouring while I was sitting there in tears and it felt like God and all of creation was there crying with me, supporting my tears, my pain, and the fear that I was facing.  In that moment inside of me I heard and felt the phrase “the beauty of dying, the beauty of death”.  I knew that I was dying to all that I had known and thought was important.  I knew that I would be moving in the next year or so to finish up my degree with an internship.  I knew that friendships were over that I had once cherished so deeply.  I knew so many things but could not fully grasp them yet.  It was that moment that I knew something was dying but was not sure exactly what that would entail.  I look back on this time as a precious gift of understanding.  It was a precious gift of growth and letting go.  I learned that letting things die as they were to in the natural course of life new things could come in the place.  New, better suited things for new seasons.  I now understand that I had to let that mentality go but it would take me some years to see it.  I am thankful that I can look back on this and see the beauty of the Divine speaking love and comfort knowing that I was not ready to change.  It was just a glimpse into the curtain being removed but it was a start.  God was so kind to me in this time and gave me the pushes I needed to get to where I am now.

So now I look at October as my favorite month.  It is a month that I remember I am not alone and that the Creator of all lives within me and around me and that Mothe16b0d0ecdfeb0cf350985989679ffe8er Earth is a support to allow us to process the things we need to let go of without fear if we allow the embrace of creation around us.  October is the reminder that death is a natural part of life and living fully.  Without it we would be the same every single day and probably even die because we are not allowing ourselves to be pruned by the natural course of life.  It reminds me of compassion and grace in the midst of everything, even stupidity (yes, I call some of my beliefs from my earlier life stupid).  This year October is teaching me about shame and how much I have carried it even from decades ago.  This year I am facing how “religion” allowed avenues for me to sit in shame silently for so many years.  This year I am saying no to shame and facing all that entails.  This is part of why I write this particular part of my story on my blog for others to read.

Now when October comes I hope you can remember that death is beautiful.

As Rumi says “Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.”

May your Autumn be full of both holding on and letting go.




Sometimes you jump off a cliff and….

Life is full of choices. We either consciously choose to live or subconsciously our mind & body make decisions for us based out of the programming we have obtained throughout our lives. Whether good or bad it does not matter. (It’s not about good/bad, right/wrong or black/white, it is just about the whether we are consciously living life or subconsciously living through the program life has given our mind & body.). At the end of 2016 I made a choice to take a risk that would lead me to the other side of the world. I decided that I was tired of living within the subconscious programming of my life & I needed to jump off the cliff of comfort which was becoming a very complacent place for me.  I felt lost in a life that was programmed for me out of the fear to stand on my own & truly trust life to be as I dreamed it could be. I could dream all day & night about adventure but my mind would tell me why that could not happen so I would not move forward. I was waiting on some divine revelation or sign to show me the way but I see now that I was truly just afraid to jump.  I was truly afraid of the unknown that was on the other side of that jump.

A sunset on Gili Air, Indonesia.  There is no filter on this photo.  This is just the beauty & majesty the world has to offer us if we stop & pay attention. 

2017 has already seen me in America, Indonesia, Singapore, & Malaysia with many more places to go.  I have spent much time disconnected (by my own choice) from the world I have always known.  I feel so aware of who I am & happy to know that I am learning about my true authentic self in ways that my previous chapter of life would not afford me.  I am thankful for the choice I made to jump & know that I will forever be marked by this adventure that is leading me deeper into a place of love, non-judgment, peace, joy, & grace for humanity.  I miss people that are dear to me but I know that I carry them in my heart & will see them again in this life. They are amazing but I am learning that I have to be able to understand myself to love deeper. My capacity to love in a way that serves my dear friends & family & myself more is growing in ways that there are not words for. I am finding more of my authentic self & what it means to be real in myself.

There are so many things to write about that have happened thus far in 2017 & someday I will sit down & write out the details but right now I just wanted to put something out there as I end my last day at 31.  This has been a year full of more than I could have imagined.  I would have never dreamed that 31 would lead me on such an adventure on the depths of myself & the depths of humanity. I have learned to let go of the attachments that I once clung to so intensely.  I now live presently in ways that I never knew possible. I see the world through new eyes that give people space to be where they are, understanding that I cannot help everyone & that everyone cannot be helped. The world is truly a mirror that reflects who we are back at us. We get to choose how we encounter & view the world daily. I have wiped the mirror cleaner than before so that I can see beauty & love in the midst of the grime of the human condition. I choose love, joy, peace, true freedom, knowing that all I could ever need lies deep within me if I will just take the time to see it & invest in it.  I see hope in this life like never before & have learned so much more about the statement “We are not our minds, we are not our bodies, we are something far greater.”  We GET to experience life & choose how that will look. All it really takes is learning to love ourselves deeply because no one else will ever love us the way we can love ourselves. As we love ourselves deeper we learn to love the world deeper. It is the hope that we can choose the life we want to live. It may be a process to get out of the muck we have allowed our programmed selves to live in but the journey is so worth it. Bad things may happen but learning to not be attached to that & to not let it define who you are & how you live is key.

“You are not your minds. You are not your body.  You are something far greater.” – Everett Newell

Thank you to everyone who has supported this journey, who is apart of this journey, & everyone that is following my story. I would not have been able to do this without each of you. I saw so many “red flags” out of fear but each of you have encouraged me to stay the course & have told me I was not as crazy as I felt.  I am beginning to understand this more & more daily.

Gardens of the Bay in Singapore

I invite you to look deeply at your life & see where you are living out of a program that life has given you & choose to do the “crazy” things that you long for. Don’t let your mind tear down your dreams. Where there is a will there is a way so fight to move forward. Love yourself well. It may take some time to get there but it is possible. If you feel alone know that I love you & am here to support your “crazy” dreams & help you find the way to get there.

Here’s to the hope of living a fulfilled life. Here’s to being the hope by living a fulfilled life. Here’s to adventure even in the midst of the mundane. May we each find love, grace, joy, hope, & peace deep within ourselves & share it with the world every day. Here’s to 32 being an incredible continuation on my journey of life. May my journey create space for each of you to learn how to experience your life to the fullest.

I finished my 500 hour yoga teacher training thanks to Zuna Yoga and can now do cool things like this 🙂



Am I Enough?

This is one of the greatest, darkest questions that I face often in my life.  I do not talk about it because with the life I have it does not seem fair. My struggles do not seem “dark” enough or “hard” enough to waste people’s time with. Up until recently I have chosen to not address my “hard” issues with people because I believed that I was here to give them space and help them find freedom. I have this idea that I have enough freedom and do not have the luxury of burdening anyone with my struggles because I have had the good life, a life that I have been told is “perfect”.  Some have even told me that my life was too good and easy to have struggles and that I could never understand the “darkness” they experience.  Yet these same people seek me out to find help for their troubles because I obviously have something figured out that they do not (or something crazy like that).

So….I get so far along in my journey and this question slams back at me and I keep it inside.  Usually it comes in the form of the statement…

I am not enough and will never be enough.

exploding-light-bulb I wish I could say that each time I stood up and walked away from the table as my glaring demons stare me in the face asking me this question, posing these statements, but sometimes, more times than I would like to admit, I just give in and see that they are right, I am not enough and never will be.  It is like an explosion of betrayal on the inside when I choose to give in to these questions.

These are the moments that I give up and stop pursuing the very things I know I was made for.  It is so easy for me to look at others, get behind them, and support their every idea because I can see that they are enough.  For myself…sometimes it is a completely different story.  I love myself, I truly do, and do not struggle with the internal dialogue that so many do about body image or things of that nature but this glaring question comes up and I have not fully learned how to face it.  It comes in disguise as fear of the unknown or fear of failure or fear of success but when I boil it down to the base root of what it is that I feel that limits me the most in life it is this question that ends up with the answer that no, I truly am not enough and nothing could make me enough.  Every now and then I feel like I could fight and get past it but that only lasts momentarily until I give up and start on another journey in my thoughts about something else I could do in life that maybe I could be enough for.  Essentially, I settle and let this thought win.

Why can people not see that we are all on a journey and there are struggles in our processes that everyone faces?  I do not understand why my joy and the level of fulfillment I am at make people believe that I have everything all together and do not get to struggle with anything because my life has been pretty good.  I also do not see why people would want me to give them a formula and fix all that is wrong in their world instead of just face the journey that is laid out before them.  I want to sit with people in the pain of life as they process forward, not just give them an answer for it all.  I do not have all the answers or some magical formula that makes life good.  I am now understanding that my struggles are just as important as other people’s even if they seem smaller or less for some reason. My struggle is my struggle so today I address the deep rooted question that my demons keep throwing in my face.  The questions that I constantly have to choose to try to get up from the table of layer upon layer of accusation and example of where I have not been enough.

Am I enough?  Is my love enough?  

Can I ever be enough?  Will I ever be enough?

These are ongoing questions that I face in life. I choose to get on my mat in yoga and stare these things in the face with the truth that I am loved, I am love, and that is enough and that makes me enough. So in the midst of breakdowns, tears, pain and not measuring up to whatever standards are in front of me from myself, others, or society I choose love above all else.  This tends to curb off the question a little longer each time. As I focus on life, there may be pain, but it is a beautiful pain that says that I am enough and daily I get to change this world by my choice to love. The struggle is still very real but I am standing up today and choosing love and choosing freedom. I am enough, my love is enough.

So I invite you today to be real with the struggles that you have, the questions that stare you in the face.  No matter what your life has been bring to light your deepest “hard” questions.  Also, remember, you are enough, your love is enough, just you being you is completely enough and this world needs you to bring your part as a whole person that is enough.


Letting My Heart Breathe

This Sunday morning, 8th January 2017, I woke up and felt my heart and all of the space around it breathe.  It was a deeper breath than I have felt in a while or maybe even ever.  I stopped and allowed myself to feel as deeply as I could this morning and it was beautiful and painful but not a bad kind of painful.  It was a feeling that took me a while to put words to as I lay there in the dark allowing myself to feel that deep.

Before you read this or maybe as you read this listen to this song:

It is Sunday morning.  I have opportunity to go to any denomination church that I want to this morning.  I even had the opportunity to go to a gathering of people that was not based on Christianity.  As I thought about my options my heart shrunk back in what I can only describe as a fear and pain.  It feels raw and vulnerable.  You see, I spent all of my life in church and ministry of some kind.  (I want to start and say that I am thankful for my upbringing and all that I was taught.  I am not writing anything here today to bash on anything or anyone.  I am writing because I want to give space for my heart to breath and maybe there is someone out there who needs to hear this to bring them some freedom.)

A few months ago I had a moment where I connected with my heart and I felt the pain of my years of ministry and church and part of what it had done to me.  I stepped back in my mind and saw all the layers of hurt that family, friends, co-workers, pretty much every one I have ever met has found at some level in the church or from “Christians” and I could not handle the pain that I felt for each person.  As I was in this moment I realized that I had been one that had caused so much hurt through telling the story that I had been programmed to repeat to the world.  I believe in God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit because of my own childhood encounters but was taught throughout my life what this was to look like.  I would follow the next “prophetic word” that I got or someone released corporately and sit back waiting on things to happen in this world instead of actually getting out and loving and doing the things that will change the world.  I also would judge anyone that did not believe like me.  I would pretend that it was okay for people to be in their process but I could not get away from judging those did not live the “truth” that I claimed to know all about.  There was this one way to live and it was the right way.  I was constantly seeking out the right way and studying to know more and growing in insight, but I still judged deeply those who thought differently.  I see how my actions would lead people away from God.  I pretended to know love but truly just shut my heart down to not speak where it was.  There were moments that I would listen but mostly my mind just told it what to feel.  I wrote my story all these years listening to everyone else but myself.  From the external it would look like I was choosing my life and doing the things I was passionate about but today I feel deep inside that for once my heart is allowed to speak to me by me allowing myself to feel without having to put words to all that I am feeling.


My heart feels the years of being told how to behave and wants freedom to just be where it is and in that it wants to hide a little to receive healing. My heart speaks, “You cannot dictate how I feel or what I am. I am love and that is simple yet so complicated.”  Today I honor this place in me and let it rest and heal. I will feed it well with compassion and love and grace so it can go love the world the way Jesus did.  Wow…if only we all fed our heart this way and we were able to feel and give space for it to be where it is.  What would the world look like?

I am connecting with my story, what I believe, what I have encountered.  This morning my heart and the space around it feels raw and vulnerable. This Sunday morning I realize that I do not want anyone to tell me how my heart should feel or needs to feel right now. I do not even want to be told what to think or believe or what is truth.  My heart is tired and in that tiredness there is pain.  Pain of watching a world being so judged and told what is right and wrong and that we are condemned to hell if we do not follow some set rules that man makes up (I know this is not complete truth but that is how my heart feels this morning and I am honoring the pain so that I can move forward and not become bitter). What is love?  What is a life without fear?  What does it look like to love in truth?  Why are we here now in this form of humanity and what is the purpose of life?  I long for people to know love unconditionally and to be allowed to be where they are right now in their life and story.  As I press into hard topics of questions I realize how afraid my heart is to share where it is today and what it feels because of the fear of judgement or that it is “wrong.” I have even allowed my mind to dictate my life without letting my heart speak where it is.  I am learning to ask the hard questions and allow my heart to speak where it is today and observe that, not judge it.  As I dive deeper I see that all the years of feeling like I have to act a certain way, talk a certain way, be a certain way, that I am so afraid to release how I truly feel.  My heart is timid in feeling that I will just shut it back down but I choose to connect with it and let it speak whatever it is that it is feeling.  Until we know how we feel deep inside without judgement can we really know ourselves and speak truth?

Today I ask you, do you let your heart speak?  Do you know what it feels and wants for you?  Are you afraid of that question?

Today, I invite you to allow yourself to feel what your heart is speaking to you and share your full story.


New Year’s Eve 2016

A moment when you cleanse yourself from the previous year & move forward. All that you have experienced comes to a head and you have a choice in what moving into a new year looks like. Sure it is only a day and really only means what you want it to but as a marker it is a great moment to stop and reflect. 

This year as I reflected there were questions that needed to be asked to clear the air. I am so grateful for a community that will let this happen and still walk away arm in arm supporting each other.  I asked the hardest question I could from last year and it brought up so much pain for me and others I love. There were tears, sobbing, anger, and so much more. Did the question get fully answered? No, but the why behind it all did and that helped explain the pain I feel and give my heart space to be okay with painful emotions. That was what was important. I needed to understand the why of 2016 from my friends, my chosen family.

It hurts to know that people will give everything for you even unto death.  It is painful to know that you cannot change the way they feel and the things they will do out of love. True love is absolutely unconditional and holds nothing against you. It is painful, vulnerable, and oh so beautiful.  The sacrifices the community that I live in give are the most intense things I have ever experienced, felt, and seen. To choose others over yourself is so what Jesus did but yet it is still so hard to receive.

If anything I learned about depths of love this past year that I could not fathom existed and yet I continue to tread deeper into these places. I long to know more and to live fuller in this thing we call love.  I choose to endure the pain of love because it is one of the greatest things a person can experience.

When I think about it the tears well up as my heart breathes so deeply to come alive. It is a breath that we all fight to get but also push away because it is so uncomfortable.

Why do you love me so much? Why? My heart longs to understand but does not know that it ever will. The hardest thing I am learning is to let love be exactly what it is. To take away all expectations and just let it be. I want to breathe deeply but it hurts so much.  It is easier for me to give love, even though half the time I do not know what to do and how to fully express what I feel. It is so much harder for me to receive it. I feel so unworthy of someone sacrificing everything so that I can have. What do you even do with that and how do you do this in a community of people together when each person struggles so much with receiving the love that is offered daily.  I do not get it and I do not know that we ever are to fully get it. Is it just that we are to be on a journey of experiencing love every single day? Is that what it means to be fully present in this life?

Love will break you in the best way possible when you let it. It will shatter you in the best way possible. Love undoes all things.

Do we ever get to get to the point that we can receive true un-abandoned, unconditional love? Can our hearts become so soft and malleable?

Love is patient, love is kind. It hopes all things, it fears nothing. Love is raw, unashamed, reckless, yet so intentional. Love is real. Love is true. Real love will cause you to die on multitudes of hills just to express itself. If you let it love will come out of you in some of the most reckless offensive ways possible but it is so worth it.

Love is the most beautiful painful thing to accept. It breaks down walls, bridges gaps, shatters boxes and barriers. Love will undo everything that stands in its way to get to the heart of all matters. Love is unnerving and exciting. It is so hard to accept in the deepest parts of who we are. We long for it but run from it. We try to dictate people’s lives in a way that allows us to distance ourselves from real love. When you stop telling people what they should do and let them have their process and push them to continue to find wholeness you begin to feel in ways that there are not words for. You begin to see the beauty of who that person is and you begin to feel in such a real way.  I am still learning every day and choose to push forward past everything I was taught in order to shut down love and expectations of life and people. I long to feel this depth even deeper.

But why do you get to do this for me? Why did you choose to do these things for me?

Love….all for love. 

I invite you on a journey. A journey that will wreck your world. I invite you to love and be loved.


Fight or Flight

As I woke up at 9:51am on December 14th, 2016, in the pitch black basement something was not right. I did a quick check and it was not too hot or cold, I did not need to go to the bathroom, my heart was not racing, I was breathing, everything in the physical checked out. I still felt off. It was like a moment of panic but not at the same time. Things just were not okay.  I could not tell if it was internal or external.  What could it be? As I got still and began to take focus on taking deeper breathes I realized I wanted to get up and run. Run from it all, run from everything.  Run as quickly as I can from every thought and every feeling that this morning brings. I did not want to process at all.  I did not want to feel anything.  I did not want to think about anything.  I just wanted to distract myself and escape from the very reality of this life that I am living.  It is called the fight or flight moment. I knew there was a choice to make. A choice to lie here and breathe or to run away and push down everything. “Fight when you feel like flying” is one of my favorite lines from “Unsteady” by X Ambassadors.  This morning I felt this and I had to decide what this moment would hold for me.  My body is still exhausted from days of traveling and there is a ton to do to settle in this house again. There is the practical side of me that just wants to get everything done and negate the process of feeling it all. I can feel later is a thought that I have to fight. So this morning I chose to lay and breathe to take care of me. I let my lungs breathe deep. I let my heart breathe deep. I let my mind breathe deep because it is okay. Everything in this moment is okay. I am a loved human being and sometimes I just need to stop and let myself be in that truth. These are the times Papa (a name I use for God) meets me.

escapismI choose to not escape as I so often taught myself to up until a few years ago. TV and entertainment were the best forces to turn to. I lie in a house where that was my choice. To turn to anything to not process and feel. It was not worth it. I did not want to truly live and feel because it was too painful or at least brought the risk of too much pain.  This morning I choose to turn inward and say I am alive, I am here, I am loved, take a deep breath and feel peace from my head to my toes. I choose to feel and be alive in the chaos of the unknown swirling around me. All the chaos begins to wash away and I realize that I was made to live from a place of rest. Clarity begins to come now and I can plan how to live this day and choose to be fully present and alive because all we are given is the moment at hand.

“When we are attentive to our actions we are not prisoners to our habits; we do not need to do something today simply because we did it yesterday. Instead there is the possibility of considering our actions fresh and so avoiding thoughtless repetition.” – T.D. Desikachar

Today I invite you to take a moment and breathe. Let your lungs, heart, mind, and soul breath. What you feel is okay and appropriate for where you are in this moment. Feel it and let it wash away. This to me is what getting on your mat and doing yoga is about. So get on your mat and choose to be present. It is so worth it!


2016: A Discovery

This year has been a year that seems to be best described by the word discovery.  Merriam-Webster defines discover as to make known or visible.  This year has been all about making things known & visible in my life, from dreams to hurts to love to community to healing to adventure to not giving up to letting go to moving forward to finding how complacency robs us of life to opening the heart to opening the mind to rest to movement to dance to great food to tequila to being okay with not knowing but still asking to wholeness and so much more.  It has been a journey into discovery that I could not have fathomed a year ago would have been possible or much less even existed.


It all starts back in 2015 and even before that but for this entry I will fast forward to the beginning of this year, 2016. I was living alone in my  1248 square foot 2 bed 1 bath house, working as a retail manager, spending Wednesday nights with teenagers at my church, hanging out with a small community of people that was developing into some very deep relationships, looking for the next adventure of the possibility of traveling the world with these friends, pursuing God with questions that I feel I had been afraid to ask before, seeing things unravel in my mind and life like never before, and starting to write the story of my life out and learn all about myself in so many new ways.

By the beginning of April I had decided to let 5 amazing people that I was learning to do life with become my roommates in my small little house. (More of these stories will probably unfold later.)  I began to sell and donate everything I owned.  It was a huge journey of learning how to de-attach from materialistic things and create experiences that would be lasting memories and truly live this life day by day.  It was the moments where I sat in the floor in tears because I needed to get rid of something else.  I could not even begin to realize how much I had attached so much life into things.  As I thanked each item and let it go I felt a pieces of myself come alive inside.  It was like I had stuffed all my feelings into things, stuff, materials, instead of myself and people.  Things did not hurt me, people did, so it was so much easier to just get more stuff.  It was all good stuff and a piece of my identity in that I liked it and it expressed me so well but it was just stuff.  I learned this year about how to not bury myself in stuff, things, and to live more fully every day.  To sit in a house and know that I was enough just as I was without things.  (I remember watching “Steve Jobs” earlier this year and seeing him in his house on a computer sitting on a rug with a lamp and that was it.  I wonder if he understood something that most Americans do not quite get.)  I even decided to sell that piece of who I was, my house.  It was not just a house but a home that I created for myself and then allowed 5 other people to come into and help unravel it and create something more.  In this I discovered myself and more of the beauty of who I am unfolded as I got into the mess of life and discovery with others.  This was not easy for an introvert who likes to sit and plan and dream and only move out once I know it will all work out in my favor.  Praise the Lord for the grace that I had for this time in this small space with these amazing peculiar people that pushed and pulled at everything in me that needed to be moved in this moment.  They truly were my teachers who saw me for me and breathed life onto the gold that was in there.  Together we understood the purification process was messy and uncomfortable and got to experience the uncomfortable on a level that I long to actually go deeper into.  (Who knows, maybe next year will be all about the uncomfortable)   There was so much grace to move forward and dive into this thing called community.

Photo of My Old House – Rainbow Stairs, Galaxy Porch and All –  by Drew Mann (

Through this year of discovery tons of questions were asked by me, the 5 I lived with, and so many others that I was around.  I have learned throughout 2016 that there are no questions to complex or simple to ask.  As I’ve started to ask the “hard” questions to friends, mentors, acquaintances, God, myself, and any one that will listen I have learned that I do not have all the answers and realistically do not understand so much of this life.  These questions come in many shapes and forms and span from one end of the spectrum to the other.  I realize more and more how much I have had things wrong in my life and have had people tell me the “right” answers based on their opinions and how I have attached to those answers in some way or another.  Questions like:

Is homosexuality wrong?  How did Jesus view it when he was on the earth?

What does it look like to not judge people?  How do you not help enable people into detrimental life patterns?  Is not judging truly having grace or is it turning a blind eye and what is the difference? How is any of this love? 

What is identity disorder and how do we love people in this? What truly is identity to begin with?

How do you love people exactly where they are at and not try to change them but yet still give perspective that they are not seeing?  Is that even our place?

Why did Jesus really come to this earth?  Was it just about a cross…what was the life He was here to show us?

Are we all just disassociated to some degree from ourselves?  Do we even understand emotions?

Have we made spirituality all based on emotionalism and a lot times what we call spiritual is just us processing the emotions that we have disassociated from in our day to day life?

Why do we cope?  Why do we run from pain?  Why do we deflect and escape not to feel the lives we live every day?  If we allowed ourselves to process our thoughts, feelings, and emotions would we still be living the lives we choose to live each day?

Why are we afraid of being vulnerable and transparent with our lives?  Why do others sharing their deep authentic emotions and thoughts make us uncomfortable or angry?

Why is it so hard for people to believe in themselves or to love themselves?  

These are all just a small portion of the questions that I have allowed myself to think and ask this year.  I have discovered that as I ask one question, a million more come up. Through this I have discovered more about myself and about the culture that I have grown up in and am surrounded in each day.  I am grateful to be on this journey of discovery and invite you to begin asking the hard questions and be okay with answers that you do not like.  Sometimes you will just learn a little more about love when you allow your boxes to be broken and all things to be unraveled like you never imagined possible.

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